Wacky World
by space case x827x
Summary: TOTALLY AU! Buffy has been in a coma for about sixteen years, Joyce died a bit after that, and Spike and Harm have been raising Dawn as their own ever since. And the Scoobies and the Angel Investigations crew are all over the world, still averting an ap
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Spike Kellogg looked at his silver watch. It was 4:45. _Damn _he thought, _I said I'd be home at five. _ He sighed and looked at the people in his boardroom.

"All right, everyone," he said, his rough British accent catching their attention, "It's a holiday weekend, let's call it a day, yeah?" Everyone agreed wholly and stood up, collecting their things. "G'night all," he said, waving to everyone as he left the room. He walked down the hall to his office and stepped inside. He packed up his laptop in his black briefcase and picked up his discarded jacket. He ran a hand through his bleached blond hair and looked down at himself.

"If someone told me twenty years ago that I'd be married with two kids and a partner at a law firm in New Orleans, I would've killed them," he chuckled to himself. He smirked at his clothing: a dark blue shirt with a few buttons undone, revealing the muscled chest beneath it, black slacks, and shiny black shoes. His sleeves were rolled up to reveal a silver Rolex and silver wedding band on one hand and a silver chain on the other. If it weren't for his numerous tattoos and his pierced eyebrow, he wouldn't recognize himself at all.

"I guess you were something of a rebellious teenager," a voice said from his doorway. Sarah Jennings stood there, holding a briefcase and jacket as well. She looked over him appraisingly and raised an eyebrow.

Spike smirked and rolled his eyes. Rebellious teenagers smoked and drank. Rebellious two hundred-year-old vampires, however, smoked and drank and killed people for fun.

"You could say that," he said walking out of his office and locking the door behind him. Sarah followed him to the lift and they set down their stuff as they descended 10 floors to the parking garage.

"How's Harmony?" she asked, "and the kids?" Sarah finally accepted the fact that he was happily married.

"Everyone's good," Spike said, "Dawn turn's sixteen in a month!" He shook his head. He could remember precisely when she was born. Joyce Summers, her mum and his close friend, has been diagnosed with cancer several weeks before Dawn was due. She'd refused treatment until Dawn was born, so not to affect her health. Joyce waited too long, however, and died six months later. Spike had always been her legal guardian and her Godfather, but Joyce had insisted that he become Dawn's dad. He hadn't been married to Harmony yet, but they were close and living together. All of Buffy's (Joyce's oldest daughter) friends had stayed close throughout the whole ordeal. Buffy had been in a car accident 4 ½ months before Joyce passed away and had been in a coma ever since.

"Time flies, doesn't it?" Sarah said, laughing. They talked amiably for the next few minutes as the lift went down. As they stepped into the parking garage, they said their good-byes and got into their cars. Spike turned the key in his black Mustang and the Sex Pistols blared from the speakers. He sang along to the song and slammed the door. Sarah shook her head and laughed. Her boss was still a teenager at heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Spike pulled in the semi-circle driveway of his big white house. It was the Order of Aurelius's house, so he'd inherited it as Master of the Order. The Vampire's Council had been pleased when Angel had given up the position to Spike. Spike had made it obvious that no one in Aurelius would be killing people. They were the new line of champions and there was nothing they could do about it. The new champions were half-vampire half-human, with all the strengths and none of the weaknesses. Therefore Harmony, Angel and Xander were all champions for the Powers that Be. Spike, however, was different. When Buffy the Slayer had gone comatose, the Powers decided they didn't want a comatose slayer, so they gave Spike all of her power and strength. Combined with what the New Initiative had done before he destroyed them, he was now part human, part vampire, part machine, and part slayer. All in all, he was the best fighter the world had ever seen.

"DADDY!" A little blond five-year-old immediately tackled spike. Jaime was Spike and Harmony's youngest, and their only biological child. Spike happily picked up the little boy and swung him in a circle.

"Hey Jaime," he said, hugging the boy close, "How was your day, squirt?" Jaime immediately launched into a story about what happened at recess today. Spike laughed in all the right places and Jaime beamed. Harmony and Dawn stepped out into the Louisiana sunshine and smiled at the pair.

"Hey dad," Dawn said, hugging Spike as they came up the stairs.

"Hey, Bite-size," He kissed her forhead and messed up her hair. She rolled her eyes and took Jaime off his hands. Harmony stood next to Spike and watched as their children went inside to help Helen cook.

"Hey, Blondie-bear," Harmony said, standing on her tip-toes to kiss him softly.

"Hey, Princess," Spike said, putting his stuff down to hug her closer. "Anything spectacular happen today?" Harmony shrugged and leaned into his embrace.

"Angel and Nina are coming tomorrow morning instead of tomorrow night," she said. Spike nodded happily. "And Robin and Faith will be in later tonight." Spike grinned. He loved having his entire extended family around for the holidays. It was late November, but it was still warm so everyone migrated to the Kellogg's house in New Orleans for winter holidays.

"Thanksgiving 2010 is going to kick ass," Spike said, smiling happily as he and Harmony walked into the house.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Spike's "extended family" consisted of all his friends, formerly Buffy's friends. They had all married within their group, and everyone now had children. Angel and Nina Keruak were married in '96, and they had two kids, Conner, who was fifteen, and Sarah, who was 7. They live in France, with Angel teaching history at a University and Nina teaching art at a local high school.

Wes and Fred Wyndam-Price were married in 2002. They had their twins, Samantha and Nicholas, who are 6. They live in Prague, with Fred being a physicist and Wes being an mathmatician.

Then there's Charles and Cordelia Gunn, who were married in 2001. They had their seven-year-old Claire and they live in Los Angeles, working at a law firm.

Robin and Faith Wood are living in Manhattan, with Jason, 13, and Sean, 8. Robin is the dean of a private school and Faith owns a club.

Willow and Oz married in 2000, and now live outside of Paris, with their kids, James, 8, and Nichole, 5. Oz is still playing guitar, and Willow is CEO of a software company.

Xander and Tara Harris were married in '97, living in Madrid, with their 3 kids, Jordan, 12, and Hannah and Jenn, 10. Xander is an architect and Tara teaches English.

That leaves Rupert and Anya Giles. They married in 1996, and live in London with their sons Chris, 12, and Joseph, 9. Rupert is the Dean at Oxford and Anya is president of a bank.

Then, of course, there's Spike and Harmony Kellogg, living in New Orleans, with their kids Dawn, 15, and Jaime, 5. Spike is a partner in a law firm, Kellogg & Kennedy. Harmony has a very popular clothes line, called Harm's Way.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"DADDY!" Jaime screamed at the top of his lungs, "PHONE FOR YOU!" Spike shushed Jaime and answered the phone.

"Spike Kellogg," he said, "Oh hey, Oz-man. Yeah. Yeah, I heard. Harm told me, yeah. Okay. Okay. Brilliant. Sod off. Ponce. Yeah, yeah, bye." He turned to Jaime and told him the good news.

"Jaime, Nikki's gonna be here tomorrow. You excited?" Jaime replied affirmatively and bounced up and down maniacally. Spike grinned. He loved how all of their families adored one another. All of their children had been taught French, Italian, Spanish, and English, so everyone spoke all four languages fluently.

"Harmony, love?" Spike called, "Where are you, pet?" He heard Harmony's voice coming from the kitchen and went to tell her that the Osborne's would be at their house tomorrow.

"That's fantastic! I can't wait to see everyone. We should talk to Helen about rooming, and see what's up with that." Spike nodded in agreement, and went off in search of Helen, their housekeeper. Helen was practically part of the family. She had one adult, who rarely visited. Her husband had died years ago, so she lived full time with the Kellogg family. Everyone adored her. She was an amazing cook, and enjoyed cooking and cleaning for the family. The plump black woman in her late fifties was sweet tempered and had a soothing Southern drawl that could calm a charging bull.

Spike spoke quickly with Helen, and she said that having the rooms ready for the whole "family" would be no problem.

"You are an angel, you know that?" Spike told her, kissing her warmly on the cheek, "And we'd be lost without you." Helen chuckled.

"That's why I'm hear, dearie, to keep you from falling apart," she responded playfully. Spike smiled at her and said,

"And a bloody good job you do of it to. Spanking good job." Helen cuffed him gently on the head and went about readying the rooms. Spike grinned boyishly and went to tell Dawn that Willow's family was going to be coming in early.

"Dawn? Sweet-bit, you in here?" He called, knocking quickly on her open door.

"Yeah, hey Daddy," She responded, looking up from the open textbook in her lap. She tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear and looked up at him.

"Just wanted to let you know that Willow and Oz and the kids will be here tomorrow," he said, smiling at his beautiful girl.

"Okay, Daddy," she said, "Will they need me to baby-sit? Because I don't mind. Really, I promise." Spike grinned, chucked her under the chin, and told her no, they wouldn't need her. It was to be a family affair, not an adult thing.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

A week later, the entire family was sitting in the Kellogg's huge family room. It was three days before Thanksgiving, and they were simply enjoying each other's company. Helen came into the room from preparing lunch.

"Spike? Telephone for you, dearie," she said, holding out the portable telephone. Spike took it and walked into another room.

"Hello?" He said, "Yes, speaking. She what? I…I…yes. Yes of course. Someone will be there tonight. Uh, okay. Yes, thank you. Thanks very much, Doctor." Spike hung up the phone with shaking hands. He turned and went into the other room. His now tan skin was pale, and he was trembling slightly. Everyone turned to look at him as he walked in.

"Spike? Baby, whats the matter?" Harmony asked, concerned about her husband.

"Everyone listening?" Spike asked, "Good. Everyone, er, it's Buffy. She…she's awake." There was a silence before Rupert laughed.

"Very good, Spike," he chuckled, "You almost had me." Everyone looked at Spike, waiting for him to laugh and agree. Instead he shook his head.

"No, Rupert. I…I mean it. She's awake. Someone has to go to her." Everyone looked shocked.

"I'd go," Willow said, "but I…it'd be…I don't know. Weird." Xander and Angel nodded enthusiastically. Spike looked to Rupert.

"No Spike. It's best that you go, I think. Yes, definitely," Rupert said, and everyone agreed. Everyone agreed except Spike, that is.

"What! She _hates _me! She was sure that Joyce 'n' me were sleepin' together! And I got custody over Dawn! Surely _one _of you sees reason here!" Spike exclaimed, his rough British accent taking place of the cultured, slightly southern accent that had taken its place. "Bloody hell. You all are barmy, ye here me? Bloody barmy!" Everyone looked at him. Willow did puppy dog eyes.

"Goddamn it. Fine. I'll go. But if she ends up dead, it's not my ruddy fault, you get me?" He said, glaring around the room. "Now, Niblet. What are we going to do about this? You want to stay with your Mum and me, yeah?" Dawn jumped.

"What? Of course! She's not…she won't try and get custody will she?" Dawn asked nervously. Everyone looked uncomfortable. Rupert explained that she might, but she wouldn't get it. Spike and Harmony had been damned fine parents, and no judge with half a brain would let her leave them. It was agreed that Spike would go to her hospital in Los Angeles, take Buffy shopping for clothes and other necessities, and then bring her back to his house in New Orleans. Spike groaned throughout the whole ordeal, but agreed to go anyway, mostly for Dawn's sake.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Mr. Kellogg?" a nurse called into a bland looking waiting room. Spike stood up and sighed. He straightened his black tie and adjusted his blue collared shirt.

"That's me. Lead the way, ma'am," he said, his southern-British drawl raspy with exhaustion. She lead him down a hallway to a door.

"This is Miss. Summers's room. In you go," the white-clad nurse said, gesturing towards room 302.

"Uh, ma'am, should there be shouting," Spike began awkwardly, "It's okay. She, uh, doesn't like me much, if you know what I mean." She shrugged carelessly and walked away. Spike braced himself and opened the door.

Buffy was sitting in a blue hospital gown in the white bed, in the white room. She looked up at him and seemed shocked.

"Spike? What the hell are you doing here?" She exclaimed, sitting up straighter. The younger blond looked furious. "Where the hell is my mom? And my sister? Or my friend, for that matter?" Spike sighed. He sat resignedly in the small armchair in Buffy's private room. He was not looking forward to explaining the past 14 years to his little girl's older sister.


	7. Chapter 7

Spike sighed. It had been four hours, and he'd explained everything to Buffy. Almost. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that she wasn't the slayer anymore. He had sympathy for her, he really did. But listening to her blame all of it on him was too much.

"Listen, Summers," he said sharply, trying not to lose it completely, "I'm trying really hard to be patient with you, I am. But it's not my bloody fault! I loved Joyce, and it _killed _me when she died! I know it's hard. Believe me, I do." He added the last bit softly.

"I just…sixteen years? I almost wish I'd died," Buffy said.

"Don't you dare say that," Spike said, "Your mum would haunt me for life if I let you say that."

Buffy let out an undignified half snort, half sob.

"Listen, Buffy," Spike said gently, "It's Thanksgiving, and everyone's at my place in New Orleans. Let's see what we can do about getting you the hell out of here, and off to see your friends, yeah?" Buffy nodded and Spike stood to find a nurse to find out about getting Buffy discharged.


	8. Chapter 8

'So much for a relaxing bloody holiday,' Spike thought bitterly, as Buffy glared at him from across the table. He'd taken her out for lunch at one of his favorite cafes in LA. Their flight didn't leave until tomorrow morning, and Buffy needed to go shopping – not to mention getting filled in on all that had happened.

"My mother would NOT have left Dawn in the care of a VAMPIRE," she told him emphatically, not touching the sandwich in front of her, "Even if she WAS sleeping with him!"

"Joyce and I weren't sleeping together, Slayer, for the last bloody time!" Spike exclaimed. He didn't think THIS would be the part she was so upset about. Although he had yet to mention the Aurelius Order's role in the war between good and evil, nor his own…transformation. "She was my friend, Buffy. My best friend, and that's why she named me godfather." He took a deep breath, _Here goes nothing,_ he thought. "And I'm not…entirely a vampire anymore." He steeled himself for whatever came next.

"What?"

And so he explained. He explained what had happened with the New Initiative – how he'd been taken apart and replaced with some mechanical parts. He explained the metal casing around his vulnerable areas – his neck and his chest. Then, seeing no way around it, he explained what had happened with the Powers That Be.

"I was given some human qualities," he explained quietly, "My body is warm, I'm in no danger from sunlight, or holy water, or crosses. And I have children. Real, biological children. I have...the best of both worlds, I suppose. My whole order does. Harmony, Angel, Xander, and-"

"XANDER?!" Buffy screeched, startling the other customers in the small restaurant. "XANDER is a VAMPIRE?!" Spike sighed.

"There was an accident during patrol, oh I don't know eight years ago? Maybe ten. He was nearly drained by a vampire, so I turned him."

"You turned my best friend? I should stake you, you MONSTER!" she lunged across the table, when a voice told her to stop. Buffy turned, wide-eyed, to the robed woman who stood beside Spike. The woman greeted Spike with a hand on his shoulder and a slight nod, which he returned.

"The world is different than when you last saw it. Things have changed – for the better," she said, a soft glow emanating from her, her voice firm, but gentle, "And Spike has played a very important role; he still does. There is very little fighting between humans and demons. And Spike is the one standing tall between them. He is the ultimate champion of the Powers That Be."

Buffy stared, her mouth agape, unable to form words. The woman took advantage of this by continuing.

"I think it is best that you go see your friends, immediately. If you will ever be able to accept this, it will be with their help and guidance," she said, before turning to speak to Spike. "They were wrong to send you. You are not the right person for the job."

"I know. But they were all uncomfortable with the task, so it fell to me," Spike explained, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.

"You are not at fault. It would have been difficult for her to hear, regardless of the speaker." She finished by telling him that they should return to New Orleans immediately, that they could take care of the rest of the details then. "Celebrate this holiday, this time of thanksgiving with your family, and give thanks." She grasped each of them by the shoulder, and the world spun.


End file.
